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‘Nacho Showdown’    I just want to watch a sad movie, squeeze tobacco sauce in my eyes, and cry.  Look, Pearl, I have emotions too. You know men don’t got it easy as animals when finding out who is the dominating animal in the herd.  It is not like we can go out in the field and lock antlers. I will give you an example here.  Last night we were in the bar and some young buck comes wandering in off the streets. He is drinking a beer down at the end of the bar. He says I’ll have some jalapeno nacho 911 screamers hot sauce.  When he says that a hush falls over the crowd.

I says to him there are 2 things you got to know about them hot nachos. #1 – only one man in the history of this bar ate a whole basket and lived to tell about it. #2 – you are looking at that man. He grabbed the first nacho.  It is glowing. Like it is sprinkled with nuclear waste. He gives a tiny little shiver when it hits his tongue. Then he swallows it and smiles at me.  I took a nacho and put 2 jalapeno peppers on it. I reached over for the extra hot tobasco. I drizzled that on the nacho and I downed it. Right then the guys in the bar start diving out of the way, hiding behind tables. He grabs a nacho and puts 3 jalapenos on it and sprinkles a little cayenne on it and sticks the nacho in his mouth. A wisp of smoke comes out his left ear. He tries to smile..

I take a nacho, squirt lighter fluid on it. I light it and swallow it still burning.  His eyes got big and tears welled up. I say ‘You better go home now, son. There is no room in that john for both of us.’  ©Burbank Creations

“Earl Pitts Greatest Bits” Track List

1) Nacho Showdown
2) Buddy’s Funeral
3) E.J.’s Imaginary Friend
4) Spring Fishing
5) Dog Doo
6) Cold Medicine
7) Nature Poem
8) Vegetable Rights
9) Lying
10) God
11) Earl’s Feet
12) Strong or Smart
13) Lawn Mower Safety
14) The Joy of Earl